Days of Our Lives

If you need to work on your finger dexterity, allow me to make a recommendation. Simply arrange to pick a used, wrinkled bandaid out of fluffy carpeting after it's been trampled and jumped on. Looking for cheap entertainment? Give a two year old a cookie just as he's getting into the shower, then stand back and watch as eats his soggy, dripping snack, while simultaneously performing the Happy Food Dance under the shower head.
The other day Jes came to me, quite engrossed in his latest discovery. He pointed to the tag beneath his teddy bear's tail and told me, "Morris poop. Change Morris diaper. Help!" Speaking of Jesse's ideas, the other day Matt took him over to his friend's house to work the friend's car. Matt tried fixing it for hours, and just when it seemed hopeless, he was able to get it. The problem was that as he did it, his hand flew forward and smashed against another part, which of course, broke. Matt proceeded to rant and rave on about the new problem, and finally when he finished, Jesse told him, "Dad, fix it." Matt said that he couldn't fix it, and Jes said, "Oh. Bob fix it." Apparently Bob the Builder (one of J's idols) has superior "fix it" skills. Just writing about Matt fuming over the car reminded me of all the wonderful phrases our two year old has picked up from his father. Read on at your own risk.
Matt was spouting off to me (quietly so the kids wouldn't hear) about how horrible one of his coworkers is, and Jes managed to pick out the phrase "d!ck-wad." Now, when Jesse learns a new word, he likes to repeat it about 30 times in a row, generally at the top of his lungs. And I wish "d!ck-wad" were the worst one he's used. Unfortunately, among the mix are the phrases, "dumb@$$, $hit, d@mn- (that one's from me- woops), h0," and "b@stard"- (also from me). And then there was that unpleasant event when I made a joke to Matt that "none of my other boyfriends act like that" and he sarcastically called me a slut. We happened to be on a walk through our neighborhood at the time, and no matter what, we couldn't get Jes to stop laughing and pointing at me from the wagon, screaming, "Mama, slut! Ha ha ha! MAMA, SLUT!" While I'm not proud of this particular influence we've had on our child, I can appreciate the humorous side of it. But believe it or not, the swearing around here is actually quite rare. Somehow it happens that those instances seem to fall at the very moments when Jesse actually listens. Go figure. (By the way, I apologize if I've offended you. But the apology is insincere. I told you to read on at your own risk. And if you're really that sensitive, my blog probably isn't the place for you anyway, so bug off.)
In addition to J's occasional potty mouth, he's learned to be mean. To US! His dear mother and father! Can you believe it? We recently endured our first refusal of the bedtime hug and kiss. It broke our hearts. (Matt's more than mine, though he wouldn't admit it.) Actually Matt and Jesse are probably pretty evenly-matched. Matt's response to Jesse's rejection was, "Oh yeah? Well I don't like you anymore now that you're big. You're mean." The only conclusion to be drawn from a situation such as this, is that the best thing to do when arguing with a two year old is to fling insults at him, then both of you run to your separate corners to lick your wounds and beg sympathy from your wife/ mommy.
So you wanna know what philosophies I base my days on? First, the gods of Walmart will not allow you to leave without forgetting at least one crucial item, which you won't remember until you get home. Believe it. Accept it. Move on. Second, when passing the candy aisle at the store, or the chocolate stash in the kitchen, it's best to go by the mantra of Dorry from Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... Walk past it. No joke, this phrase has prevented me from buying new clothing, eating unnecessary junk food, stopping and reading every greeting card I walk past, you name it. It's very useful. I recommend you employ it wherever you deem applicable. The possibilities are endless.
Right now our car is in the shop (yes, STILL), and I can't drive our stick shift truck, so Lucky Matt gets to do the shopping for the household. A couple weeks ago I had a long list to send with him, and he grumbled at the mere sight of it. I offered to rewrite the list in the order of the aisles where he'd find everything, from front to back. He looked at me with a face of pure awe. He was stunned speechless for a moment; then he asked, in a voice of pure amazement and deep gratitude, "You can DO that?!" Of course. Any seasoned mother could. It's on that list of special abilities we have that other people don't, right along with sweeping the floor one-handed while holding a baby, brushing our teeth while quizzing our kid on his flashcards, and peeing while talking to the cable company on the phone, without being detected- (I think). Naturally, I had to explain to my beloved Matthew that yes, I am just that talented. I think my skills impressed him.